. Eclectic blogs by theDaddy!

Crossing a line in the Ether

Written but not published May 8, 2016 by David L Lewis

On a Sunday morning some years back an elder came and asked if I’d sit in with him while he counseled a single woman. No man, it should be here noted, need ever be alone with any woman except his wife.

My task at the time was to sit silently, unobtrusively. Me, being me, of course had to speak out of turn. What came to mind and which I told the woman at the time has served me well these now 30 years on: “I do not know how you feel because none of my life’s experiences match your circumstances. This does not mean I do not care, only that I do not understand.”

It was with this in mind that I wrote last year in a blog entitled “Sorry for your loss”:

“Maybe it’s what we saw on some TV show. Maybe it is just what we’ve come to say because we don’t really know what to say. For my part, I take a person at their word. I believe they really are sympathetic, even if they can’t find other words.

“Overall ‘sorry’ seems better than ‘I know how you feel’; unless, of course, the speaker really does know. The most strengthening words come from those who simply say: ‘I’ve been there. It will never be the same, but it will get better than it is now.’”

I keep thinking I need to Google the stages of grief, if only to figure out if I’ve gone through them and have yet to come out the other side. I suspect I have not; or at least not as long as I cannot bring myself to visit the grave. [see FOOTNOTE]

Today, though, I crossed a line I didn’t know was there into something like liberty. A pastor who’d been a customer and whom I didn’t really remember called about a computer problem. He reminded me he had prayed for us right after we reopened the business and had said at that time, as people do, “I know how you feel.” The caller wanted to apologize for having said that – it’s just what you say.

It seems this man of God had similarly lost his 30 year old daughter Easter Sunday; and only now could honestly say, “I know how you feel”.

Somehow I found myself the counselor, assuring him of what others had told me at the time and which I’d since seen confirmed by a year’s experience: “I’ve been there. It will never be the same, but it will get better than it is now.” To which was added -- just not today.

And thus I found myself having crossed an invisible line in the Ether. There will always be grief in our hearts, of course. But somewhere I’ve crossed from losing my son and close friend to being a voice of those who really are “sorry for your loss”.

theDaddy!

FOOTNOTE: Posted to Facebook May 31, 2018
THREE YEARS SIX WEEKS

First year in tax preparation business an “older” woman came in explaining that filling out forms was something her husband always did. She cried as she thought of him. Being a wanta-be pastor I asked the obvious, when did he pass? “Seven years ago.” I hadn’t much actual experience with grief, but did think seven years was enough. Time and life teaches otherwise.

It has been quite a while since I thought “I’ll ask my dad” – only a few less years since I started to call my brother, Terry. It’s been, more or less, about a day since I had something to tell Nathan.

Once told Susan I was going to live in Brazil until I die, and be buried beside my wife and son. But, I had not been able to bring myself to visit Nathan’s grave.

Today, because Kay was with me, I went to his grave site.